I don’t feel ready yet…I want more time. I want time to change before I need to change. And actually I sometimes don’t WANT to change at all, I just want to be changed already. I just want to press one of those little reset buttons…It’s gotta be here somewhere!
But darn it if life doesn’t work that way.
We were designed to change, move, always forward, onward…one day ends and a new begins, it never stops, always changing. A new sunrise at a slightly different time than the day before, the clouds of yesterday are nothing like the ones today, every thunderstorm is different, every leaf on a tree, every human eye color. Even our very own skin changes each day, shedding the old skin of yesterday, making way for new skin.
So why is it so hard for me to change when everything else about my whole world is constantly changing?
It’s easier just to think about it…to write about it than to live it. Living it takes action on my part. And I really actually enjoy being lazy. Its easier to live the life that other people think I should be living than to pave my own path.
And is it being lazy or actually taking advantage? I’ve been given the gift of life and assuming that I have forever to be here on this earth is just crazy! I’ve started to live like there is no big hurry to do or be anything…after all I have time right?! Maybe. Maybe not.
Its quite amazing, actually that we are given life and get to choose the direction in which our lives go. I mean, we aren’t programed robots or anything…life is the most awesome gift and we treat it like an unloved sweater from Aunt Ruthee! We can live our own lives as happily, sucessfully, vibrantly and full of adventure as we choose. But what do most of us choose instead?! BORING sit in front of the tv, settle for the very least, do what others think I should do, poor me lives! Well, thats what I have been doing at least…just floating along, taking what comes…no goals, no direction, no inspiration, NO LIFE!!!
I have lived a life I thought others wanted me to live. Always bending because they wanted me to bend, speaking because they thought it was time for me to speak, laughing when appropriate, running when I didn’t know why, but boy I was running!
I’m starting to realize that I don’t even know me. Who is this me that I am? Am I the me I was created to be or the me that has been formed over years and years of trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be?
I think it has been the latter…and that is really dumb! Can you imagine getting to the end of your life and realizing you had lived your whole life based on what you thought other people thought you should be!? That would be awful! No, horrific!
Change has come…its wrapping around my ankles like a vine and I am being pulled in new directions and pushed into the deep water of the unknown.
I feel my body rebelling at the pushing. Fearing the newness, my mind wants to run wild with themes of panic, fear and worry. I struggle to hold on to hope, joy, peace.
I will not give in!!
I want to learn more of story, and how to write a beautiful one with my life…the only one I have been given!
To explore whimsy and how we were created to dream and live a wild adventure!
To learn of magical living – of stretching farther than I think I can be stretched, reaching into the unknown, pushing against myself (that self that wants to stay the same) to grow and learn!
I feel something coming alive in me. I do! It’s in there.
My eyes look bluer, bigger, deeper. Something is getting ready to burst forth, to be born. Could it be the me I never knew? The true me, the real me, the authentic, strong, driven, hopeful, adventurious, full of life and peace me!? Dear God, let it be!
Here’s to change!!
“It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everybody else, and still unknown to himself.” Francis Bacon